The Monster (Pt II)
You apologized, briefly. I thought that was what I wanted, but hearing those stale words pass your smoke filled lips, I felt no relief. And my heart and brain got in a world war, debating if there were actually some things in life that absolutely could not be healed by regret and apologies. I could list off all of the horrendous names you called me and threats you made me in that last conversation, my body shaking and knees up to my chest in my empty bed. I could graphically explain what it felt like to have my heart blindly misled and crushed just a few days before a major surgery. But you know. And that is yours to own now.
Because in one trusting moment full of cinnamon apple candles and three dogs plopped on top of us, you revealed a monster. A monster that you warned me about, but I never believed could possibly exist. And that ugly monster chased me through text messages and phone calls up to the very day I went under the knife.
And 50 incisions later I’m just not quite sure what an apology means at this point. Because I went through all of that without you. I went through all of that with you making me feel like a bacteria on the bottom of the ocean.
I hope you know I love(d) you. I was about to tell you that same night our world shattered around us, cutting into my scars. You said you were unlovable, but you weren’t to me. I saw the light in you, the person you wanted to be. And you couldn’t even let me have that. You stabbed me in my most vulnerable moment until you were sure I was dead. Transforming from someone I love(d) into the most horrific monster within an hour.
So you can apologize now, but I’m dead. You intentionally murdered me in my weakest moment. You don’t get to raise the dead.