The Happy Place
You just wanted me to be happy, you said as we sat on the humid tile floor of your condo overlooking the Atlantic. As the black sequins from my mini dress dug into my thighs, my face flushed. You saw through me, you always did. You were not going to let me fade into South Beach model oblivion where I was only smiling in front of cameras. You knew I deserved more than that, I was more than that. Things were said during that lost Miami night that are too sacred to be spilled across this blog.
Years later, you saw a photo of my defeated eyes and sunken-in cheeks and knew. After casual conversations around all of the exotic cities our lives took us since college, you asked for me to tell you what I really wanted to say. I said I couldn't. It was too hard. You said to take my time. But you knew.
The one thing I wish I'd said to you is that I am happy now. It wasn't until I stopped searching for it, that it found me in the most unlikely place ridden with horrendous circumstances. In the pit of disappointment and failed humans, I quickly learned that happiness is not something to be found, but something to experience at our own will. We have to choose happiness, even if the world is crumbling around us. Through a close relationship with God and a hope that is impenetrable, I know now why you insisted that I search out this euphoria.
It's the clouds clearing, the hot pink of the sun on the horizon, the feeling of my dog's soft fur nuzzling into me for security, the taste of homemade ice cream from the dairy in Plymouth. It's all of the small things that I have a choice to enjoy, or not, amidst any and all circumstances. It's letting go, even when my emotions want to cling, so my last breath can be full of fresh air.
And I want you to know, I know you know. And I love you. I love this life. I love every breath I take. I promise you that when my body has finally had enough I will take my last breath in this happy place, this heaven that you helped me find on earth.
And afterwards, when you feel the heavy world on your shoulders, I hope you find your own happy place and know that even in the most dire circumstances, happiness can be found and lived.